Making Connections

In college I remember a conversation I had with a good friend (alas, Chuckles, where are you?) shortly before graduation.  For some reason a group of us were talking about our first encounters with people we had become friends with and “Chuck” (her name was Charla, long story) said, “Oh man, I thought you were a jerk.    I mean you just said, ‘Hi’ to people and not much else.  It took me a while to figure out That you weren’t trying to be ‘too cool.’”  It wasn’t one of my happier college retrospectives.

Still, Chuck had a point.  See, I hate being in  a situation where I’m forced to talk with an unfamilar person – I have no idea what to say, nor do I know how to graciously remove myself from those situations.  Often (despite my attempts to be disciplined in showing more openness, too often) people view my uncomfortable posture and short comments as being “aloof.” This is what she saw as me looking like I was “too cool.”  Yet, I really wasn’t aloof – I was panicking deep inside!  Yes, this is a difficult trait for a person to have when they’re called to be a pastor.

For all my struggles with “first impressions,” however, I seem to be able to make connections with people which both give me strength and strenthen others.  I don’t always see that happening, and not infrequently do I have to be reminded that I’m actually naturally disposed to making friends, because there are times when I feel like  I’m just not capable of over-coming my innate tendency to be a the kid shouting from the corner  (thanks Jim and Frank for your reassurances, they mean a lot).  The truth is, I’m genuinely blessed with friends, and I have deep desire to develop friendships, even though I’m naturally terrified of making someone’s acquaintance – the fact that I’m ever able to work through these conflicting traits is nothing short of miraculous.

So, to everyone who’s been able to over-come my terrible first-impression, thanks.

To my friends (especially my wife) who challenge and encourage me to be who I’m supposed to be, thanks.

To everyone who has seen potential and gifts in me that I’m not even aware of, thanks.

I hope that I can be as good a friend to all of you as you have been to me.

On the eve of travelling

My conference trip “unofficially” began this afternoon when my wife and kids dropped me off at my friend Frank’s house so I could stay her over-night (Frank offered because he knows that getting up at 4 AM and having your wife drive both you and your two school-age Children to either the airport or a distant carpool location is bad for relationships.  I hope his wife is OK with it, in retrospect I need to get her a gift as a thank you for taking us bums over the river into Philly).

I like Frank, he’s my friend.  That might seem like an absurd and childish statement, but it really isn’t.  In all the various incarnations of my blog I keep coming back to this point that friends are important.  In fact, I often don’t feel that I have enough friends within close ear-shot for my liking.  Why do I say this?  Because every pastor I’ve ever known who has completely “lost it” either through submissive burn-out or by a “burn down the house” explosion has had one thing in common – they have no friends.  This isn’t entirely their fault, for years pastors were actually trained to not have friends within the congregation (as though boundaries were were either all on or all off), and so pastors didn’t make friends within their congregations.  The problem was, pastors also tend to be terribly competitive when it comes to be around other pastors – so these pastors ended up having no one with which to shoulder their burdens (unless they over-burdened their wives).

Let’s be honest, a lot of ministry is spent walking along that knife-edge between depression/explosion and stretching one’s own faith and that of the congregation.  If a pastor doesn’t have friends walking with you, is it any shock that they are going to end up getting emotionally impaling as they walk?  Pastoring is one of the most stressful callings I can think of, without friends – you’re toast.  End of story, bye-bye.

So, Frank is my friend.  We share the burden of ministry together – and stretch one another as we travel this mine-field we call vocational ministry.  I have other friends to (including my wife who is a huge help to me), and they are all important to my continued pursuit of Jesus.  I thank God for all of them, because without them I’d be in serious trouble.

And, yes, some of my friends are members of my congregation – seminary education borked that one big time.